I'm going to hell

A couple of friends and I were driving down the road one day when we spotted a wheelchair on the side of the street. Being 18-19 years old our eyes lit up. We pulled over to pick it up already giddy with the possibilities. Someone was throwing the wheelchair away but it still felt like we were doing something wrong by taking it. As we were loading it into the back of my truck a woman opened the door and yelled something at us. To our surprise she said something along the lines of "Need any help loading that into your truck?" Awesome.

Being masters of fucking with people, my friends and I started brainstorming what we would do with our new found treasure. I'm not sure which one of us came up with our glorious idea, but we had a plan. And it was going to be hilarious.

The plan was to have someone wheel themselves into a store or gas station or fast food restaurant. The others would wait a few moments for our handicapped friend to get set up. The others would rush in minute later and yell some crazy shit at the handicapped person, then throw him out of the wheel chair and "steal" the wheel chair and run out of the building with it.

I played the handicapp first. Our first mark was a big gas station. One that had a ton of room inside. We got there and set up outside. I wheeled myself into the gas station, which I realized was much harder than I anticipated. It was actually hard to wheel myself up the wheel chair ramp and because of our escapades I have a new found respect for the wheelchair bound.

So I wheel myself in, wheel over grab a pop and a newspaper. Then I sat in line waiting to pay for it. A moment later three of my buddies rush into the gas station and yell something like, "You stupid fuckin retard. I'll teach you to steal my mail." Then they brutally threw me out of the wheel chair and took off out the store with it. I sprawled to the floor and started crying hysterically. It made a huge scene. There was 8 or 9 people in the store just staring not knowing what to do.

There was a hero though. One guy chased my buddies out into the parking lot while I lie on the floor crying. After about 90 seconds or so of lying on the floor crying I just stood up and gave a military style salute to everyone in the store and walked out with a straight face.

When I got into the parking lot this guy is yelling at my friends, "Hey that's not fuckin cool. Give him his fuckin wheelchair back or I'm going to beat your asses." I walked by him as he was saying this and said to him, "No dude it's alright. You don't have to beat anyone's ass." Guy just looks at me all sorts of confused and we load up the wheel chair and head to Wendy's.

Same plan at Wendy's. So I go to wheel myself into Wendy's and I straight up can't wheel myself up the ramp. It's too steep. And I was 18 years old, cock strong, and in good shape. There was no way I could get up the ramp and I almost fell over backwards. So we had to make up another plan. The new plan was that my buddy Dan would wheel me in, then he would leave me in front of the counter while he went to the bathroom. Oh, and the whole time I would be acting basically retarded. And my name was Johnson. It was always Johnson.

So Dan wheels me into the Wendy's and goes to the bathroom. A few minutes later my buddies rush in and say, "You stupid fuckin retard! Quit wheeling up and down my street." They literally kicked me and my wheelchair over and ran out the store with it. Then my buddy Dan bursts out of the bathroom while I am crumpled on the floor crying and says, "Johnson! What the fuck did they do to you? I'll get those fuckers!" And he runs out the store after them leaving me crying on the floor. It was a riot. Someone says call the cops and others try to help me up and see if I was ok. After some acting I get up and walk out of the store.

We went to Mcdonald's next. This time Dan was going to be playing the part of Johnson. Dan is a big guy, I mean he's pretty fat. He was probably 250lbs or so. He wheels himself into the Mcdonald's and just waits there looking at the menu. After a minute or so my buddies and I rush in to do the deal. Someone yells, "Fuck retards!" Then my one friend lifts up the handles to tip Dan out of the chair and I grabbed him by the by the arm and shoulder and just heave him out of the chair. I launched him a good 6 feet forward where he slammed into the counter head first and crumples to the floor. He starts just moaning/crying on the floor. "Oooohhhh, Oooooooh, Ooooh!

We got the Mcdonalds episode on tape. We had some other friends sitting in the store with a camera stuffed in a backpack. I'm going to try to get a hold of the video again and post it on youtube. This large black lady at the counter says, "Now why day do dat? Dat aint cool." My friends in the store started cracking up and the black lady says, "That aint funny. You shouldn't laugh, at aint cool."

Then we did it at a Rite Aide. Same formula, same results. Only this time the clerk was like immediately on the phone calling the cops. We ran the fuck out of the store and loaded up the wheel chair. As we were peeling out of the parking lot the cops were coming in another entrance. When we got home we all decided that we pushed our luck enough and that we were probably going to get arrested if we did it too many times so we retired the wheelchair and the Johnson personality permanently. The wheelchair to this day sits behind my buddy's pole barn collecting rust.

We did it a few other times, but you get the gist. It was all pretty funny at the time. It's still hilarious to me, but maybe this wasn't the greatest idea we ever had. Or maybe it was. I dunno. This, among many other reasons is why I'm going to hell.